Beauty, Empowerment, and New Lessons

"...splashes of California poppies. These too are of a burning color--not orange, not gold, but if pure gold were liquid and could raise a cream, that golden cream might be like the color of the poppies." (John Steinbeck, East of Eden, 1952)

April 1, 2009 - one year after D-day (diagnosis day) and Jacob and I are back from California. We participated in the Simonton patient program, an intense five-day psycho-oncology workshop for cancer survivors and their support person. In group therapy sessions and individual sessions, we explored how emotions and beliefs impact our health, and how we can deal effectively with the stresses of living with cancer (for more details, go to www.simontoncenter.com).

I was familiar with most of the topics, because I had read Dr. Simonton's books and listened to several of his CDs prior to coming to the program. However, what I appreciated most was the sharing with the other participants, and the openness and close friendship that developed. I also appreciated the individual sessions with Dr. Simonton and one of the therapists. After taking this program, I do believe that it is possible to heal from Stage IV cancer!

The place where Jacob and I stayed is a retreat centre called La Casa de Maria, located in Montecito, in the hills above Santa Barbara. This place is an absolute paradise. The extensive grounds house buildings for guest accommodation, a dining hall, conference rooms, a small church, a meditation chapel, walking paths, gardens, an outdoor labyrinth made from stones, a small swimming pool, and an organic orchard (oranges, lemons, strawberries!). The scent of flowers was everywhere. La Casa de Maria (built in the 1950s by catholic sisters ) is internationally renowned as a sacred place for people from all faith traditions and walks of life who are interested in personal and spiritual growth. Being in such a beautiful place, within a supportive atmosphere, I felt calm and inspired.

After the program was over, we rented a car and explored the Salinas Valley, Pinnacle National Monument, some of the old Spanish missions, and then drove to the coast. From Carmel, we followed Highway 1 south, down the Big Sur back to Los Angeles. The coastline was stunning: jagged rocks pounded by white surf, sandy beaches with huge breakers rolling in, and yellow poppies on the slopes of the green Santa Lucia mountains. Among the various wildflowers, we identified Shooting Stars and Indian Paintbrushes, which we only get to see in the Rockies in July. However, I realized that traveling on the road to find such beauty, had its price. Food choices became limited because we didn't have a camping stove nor a cooler with us. One morning, breakfast was cold rice and Thai noodles from the previous night's dinner - a far cry from my usual bowl of hot oatmeal with applesauce, cinnamon, berries, yogurt, topped with ground flaxseeds. There were days I didn't get more than two servings of fruits or vegetables, and sometimes I drank chlorinated tap water--arrgh! Now I know that this kind of traveling -- moving from one place to another every single day, doesn't work for me right now. My body feels better if I stay in one place for a while, and have consistent, healthy food. Another lesson learnt.

While we were still in California, my body acted up (no need to go into details), and now I know it was a side effect from the endocrine therapy drug I had been taking. I stopped the drug half-way through our trip, and have not been on it since. This episode led to a trip to my family doctor upon our return, followed by two diagnostic tests. I am confident that I do not have endometrial cancer (one of the nastier potential side effects of this drug), but the results are still pending. For now, I am glad that the symptoms have finally subsided, and that so far my doctor hasn't prescribed yet another drug (who wants to be a guinea pig every three months?)

All in all, the trip was a good experience. The Simonton program was empowering, and I am committed to continuing with the practices and tools I have learnt there. I am glad Jacob came along because before this trip, he had been more on the sidelines, looking in on my various explorations and practices. Now, he says he has a better appreciation and understanding of what I am trying to do. Although I realized that traveling has its challenges, and that staying at home, eating real food is best for me right now, there is one more trip planned this year: a visit to my family in Germany. (I call the trip to the Simonton program and the family visit "necessary journeys"). At least, in Germany, we are not planning to move from place to place every day. Most of the time we will be staying in my hometown in Southern Germany. The only side trips planned are a family get-together at a wellness hotel in the Bavarian foothills, and one week on an island in Greece. After that, I think I will be content to sit at home, watch the garden grow, and enjoy the summer in the Rockies. The journey continues...
In Beauty I Walk
With beauty before me I walk
With beauty behind me I walk
With beauty above me I walk
With beauty all around me I walk
It is finished in beauty.
(Navajo night chant; on the wall of our room at La Casa de Maria)